Which College Mascot I’d Most Likely Fight (And Why)

Okay, look, I’m not out here trying to pick fights with oversized animals in foam costumes… but some college mascots just rub me the wrong way. Maybe it’s the smug expression. Maybe it’s the energy. Maybe it’s the fact that they look like they haven’t slept since the Bush administration. I don’t know. But I’ve made a list of the top 10 mascots I’d probably throw hands with and yes, I’m unreasonably passionate about this. Let’s go:

1. Big Jay - University of Kansas

Big Jay has big “assistant manager who takes himself too seriously” energy. I feel like he yells “let’s go boys!” before every game and winks at the crowd like he’s on The Bachelor. I feel like I could take him. He’s all beak and no bite. One solid sidestep and I’m yeeting him into a cooler.

Fight chance: 10/10. I win. He’s just feathers and ego.

2. Truman the Tiger – Mizzou

Something about Truman feels fake. Like, he’s nice to your face but would absolutely roast you in a group chat later. His stripes are too perfect. His wave is too polished. He’s probably in an MLM on the side. He’s definitely the guy who’d challenge you to a push-up contest after his team wins, then humble-brag about his macros.

Fight chance: 6/10. He’s nimble, but I fight dirty.

3. Herbie Husker – Nebraska

Herbie looks like he makes his own jerky and once tried to fight someone in a Hy-Vee parking lot over a Busch Light sale. He has that “strong handshake, weak opinions” vibe. I’d fight him to knock the smug off his square-jawed face.

Fight chance: 9/10. He’s got the build of a corn-fed linebacker, but I’m scrappy and fueled by pettiness.

4. Cy the Cardinal – Iowa State

Cy isn’t even a cyclone! He’s a bird! And a cocky one. You just know he hits the gym twice a day and tells people they “wouldn’t understand the grind.” Also, the red suit and flexing arms give off huge “I peaked in high school football” vibes. You know Cy owns protein powder in 3 different flavors and screams during squats.

Fight chance: 4/10. I’ll be honest… he’s jacked.

5. Herky the Hawk – University of Iowa

Herky is unhinged. He looks like he’s been in a bar fight… this week. I’m not saying I want to fight Herky. I’m just saying… if he came at me, I wouldn’t back down. He looks like he’s been through some things and probably knows jiu-jitsu. This is a lose-lose scenario unless I have backup.

Fight Ranking: 2/10. I’d get drop-kicked in the first 10 seconds and be okay with that.

6. Bucky Badger – Wisconsin

Bucky is scrappy. He’s got that wild-eyed, “I haven’t blinked in 72 hours” look. He’d be the kind of dude who rips his shirt off mid-argument. I respect it. If you turned your back for one second at a tailgate, he’d be in your cooler stealing your hard seltzers and acting like it was your fault. His little smirk says, “I’ve been banned from three bars but I’m still fun, I swear.”But I’d still fight him just to see what happens.

Fight chance: 5/10. Might end in a double KO.

7. Ralphie – Colorado

Not a person in a suit… an actual buffalo. This one’s more of a “fight for survival” situation. If Ralphie turned on me during a run across the field, I’d just accept my fate. I’d simply lie down and accept my fate. There is no fight. There is only fear. I’d hope to be remembered kindly.

Fight chance: 0/10. This is not a fight, this is a “make peace with your decisions” moment.

8. Big Al – Alabama

Big Al just seems too chill. Which makes me suspicious. No one is that happy in 100-degree weather in a wool costume. He’s plotting something. He’s suspiciously friendly. Like the guy at a party who hugs you too long and tells dad jokes that aren’t quite right. I’d square up just to figure him out.

Fight chance: 7/10. He’s got size, but I’ve got trust issues and quick hands.

9. Uga – University of Georgia

Yes, it’s a real dog. No, I’m not proud of this. But Uga gives “grumpy old man at a bar who bites people” vibes. He’d growl if you touched his nachos. He’s like that grumpy uncle who’s cute until you try to sit in HIS recliner. I’d never actually fight him… but if he lunged first? Game on.

Fight chance: 9/10. But I’d cry about it after and probably write him a letter of apology.

10. 🦅 Swoop – University of Utah

Swoop just looks like he talks too much. He’s probably that guy who yells “WOOOOO!!” every five minutes and high-fives you way too hard. He’s just kind of there flapping around, trying too hard, yelling things like “LET’S GOOOOO” even when no one asked. I’d fight him out of sheer overstimulation and secondhand embarrassment.

Fight chance: 8/10. He talks big but folds the second someone raises their voice.

Final Thoughts

Mascots are unhinged. Some are friendly. Some are terrifying. Most are probably sweating through five layers of foam while planning world domination. Either way, I’ve decided who I’d fight. No regrets. If you disagree, feel free to make your own list. Just don’t put Herky at #1 unless you’ve got a death wish.